If It’s Not a Hell Yes, Maybe It’s Just Trauma Bonding

Let’s talk about that relationship...the one that felt electric from the start. The late-night conversations. The intense eye contact. The “I’ve never felt this way before” energy that made you forget you even had a nervous system until this person activated every single part of it.

You thought it was love.

It might have been chemistry. It might have been karmic. It might have been a walking red flag parade with fireworks and a catchy playlist.

But was it healthy?

Because here’s the thing: if it’s not a “hell yes,” it might be a trauma bond dressed up in dopamine.

Wait...What Even Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding happens when we form strong emotional attachments through cycles of intensity, inconsistency, and emotional highs and lows, usually rooted in unresolved childhood patterns.

You think it’s fate. It’s actually familiar.

You think it’s soulmate energy. It’s actually your nervous system saying, “Ah yes, chaos. We know this place.”

Signs You’re in a Trauma Bond (Not a Soul Connection)

• You’re anxiously waiting for their next message, and feel low-level panic if they go silent.

• The relationship is hot-and-cold, and the “good moments” feel so euphoric they erase the bad ones.

• You keep telling your friends, “You don’t understand them like I do.”

• You feel obsessed, addicted, or emotionally hijacked, even if they hurt you.

• You confuse intensity with intimacy.

  
  

Sound familiar? Been there. Bought the T-shirt. Burned it. Journaled about it.

But It Felt So Real...

Of course it did. That’s the point.

Trauma bonds aren’t fake; they’re just familiar. They mirror unmet childhood needs, inconsistent love, emotional neglect, or toxic attachment patterns. And your brain is literally wired to chase what it knows, even if it hurts.

The highs feel like “true love.”The lows feel like you’re dying. That push-pull dynamic? Feeds your nervous system like a drug.

But love doesn’t have to feel like a survival game.

So What Should It Feel Like?

Here’s what a “hell yes” feels like:

• Safe but not boring.

• Seen, not just desired.

• Challenged, but never confused.

• Peaceful, not passive.

  
  

A healthy connection won’t leave you spiraling at 2 AM, rereading texts like they’re sacred scripture. It won’t dangle love like a prize you have to earn. And it definitely won’t feel like a rollercoaster you can’t get off.

The Work (Yeah, It’s You Too)

If you’re nodding right now, don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re just ready to unlearn what you thought was love.

Healing from trauma bonds means:

• Learning to self-soothe instead of needing chaos to feel alive.

• Building secure connections even when they feel unfamiliar.

• Choosing slow, grounded love over fast, fiery confusion.

• Giving yourself the love you wanted them to give you.

Final Truth?

You can’t heal your inner child by dating someone who activates all her wounds. You can’t rewrite your story with someone who keeps you stuck in the same chapter. And if it’s not a hell yes... it’s a no. Or at the very least, a major pause.

Ready to rewrite the script? Start with you. Your healing. Your safety. Your “hell yes” life.

Because your nervous system deserves peace, not passion wrapped in pain.

Let’s Go There, Together.

If this hit a little too close to home, you’re not alone. This is the exact kind of work I do with my clients, untangling the patterns, rewriting the stories, and learning what real, grounded love (for yourself and others) actually feels like.

💌 Ready to break free from the chaos and step into something better? Let’s chat. Whether it’s a clarity call or coaching series, we’ll do it gently, powerfully, and at your pace.

Your “hell yes” life is waiting.