Stop Trying to Be Chosen. Start Choosing

Somewhere along the way, we learned to wait.

Wait for the text. Wait for the invitation. Wait for the person, job, or opportunity that would finally make us feel wanted, seen, and secure.

We start performing for connection without realizing it, shrinking a little, softening opinions, lowering standards, all to be “chosen. ”

But here’s the thing: constantly needing to be chosen by others disconnects you from the most important person you’ll ever choose.

Yourself.

Why We Chase Approval

That pull to be picked isn’t random; it’s biological. Humans are wired for belonging. When you grow up associating love with performance or inconsistency, your brain learns that safety comes from being accepted, not from being authentic.

People with anxious attachment styles often equate self-worth with external validation. When someone pulls away, it activates the same neural pathways as physical pain, which is why rejection can be so painful. It’s not them causing "drama"; it’s neuroscience.

But here’s what’s powerful: the same brain that learns to crave approval can also learn to self-soothe and self-validate. That’s called cognitive reappraisal, basically, the brain’s ability to reinterpret situations through a healthier lens. It’s one of the strongest tools for emotional regulation and self-trust.

When you stop asking, “Why didn’t they pick me?” and start asking, “Why am I waiting to be picked?”  that’s your reappraisal moment.

Why It’s Time to Choose Yourself

Waiting to be chosen keeps you small. It traps you in reaction mode, responding to everyone else’s energy instead of creating your own.

Choosing yourself doesn’t mean arrogance or isolation; it means authority over your life.

It’s saying: “I’m not waiting for permission to exist in fullness."

“I’m not waiting for someone else’s effort to confirm my value."

“I get to decide what I deserve.”

When you choose yourself, you start attracting people who are drawn to your wholeness, not your availability.

How to Break the “Pick-Me” Cycle

1. Notice your patterns. Pay attention to when you start over-explaining, overgiving, or overperforming. That’s your nervous system trying to earn belonging.

2. Reframe rejection. Instead of “They didn’t choose me,” try “They weren’t aligned with what I’m choosing now.” It’s not about losing, it’s about learning who can’t meet you at your new standard.

3. Practice self-validation. Start catching yourself in moments where you’re seeking external approval: compliments, responses, reassurance. And give that affirmation to yourself first. (Yes, it feels awkward at first. But it literally rewires your reward system over time.)

4. Lead with clarity, not availability. When you walk into relationships, romantic, professional, or personal, with a clear sense of what you value, you stop bending for what’s not meant for you.

The Takeaway

You’re not hard to love. You’ve just been taught to chase love that demands effort instead of peace.

The real power isn’t in being chosen, it’s in knowing what you choose: who you trust, where you give your energy, and what kind of love feels like home instead of hunger.

Because when you stop waiting to be picked, you stop playing small. You start building a life that doesn’t depend on who sees your worth, because you already do. 🤍