The Difference Between Supporting Someone and Fixing Them

I’ll be honest: this one has been a big struggle for me.

When someone I love is hurting, my first instinct is to jump in, come up with solutions, and basically fix whatever’s wrong. It feels like love, right? But what I’ve learned (the hard way) is that trying to fix someone can actually feel disempowering to them: like I’m saying, “you can’t handle this on your own, let me take over.”

Support, on the other hand, looks really different. Support means standing beside them, not in front of them. It’s listening, validating, asking, “What do you need from me right now?” instead of assuming.

What fixing looks like

• Giving advice before they’ve even finished sharing

• Taking control of the situation

• Trying to remove their discomfort because you feel uncomfortable

• Believing you know the “right” way to handle it

I’ve done all of these, sometimes with the best intentions, but it still left the other person feeling unheard.

What supporting looks like

• Listening without an agenda

• Saying, “that sounds really hard, I’m here with you”

• Asking questions instead of giving answers

• Respecting that their journey might not look like the one you’d choose

  
  

Why the difference matters

When we try to fix, we unintentionally take someone’s power away. Support gives them back their agency. It reminds them they’re capable, resourceful, and not alone.

What I’m practicing now

These days, when a friend or partner comes to me, I pause and ask:

• Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?

• What would feel helpful right now?

  
  

It’s not perfect, my “fixer” side still shows up, but I’m learning that true love and support often looks quieter, simpler, and way less about me.

👉 If you’re a natural fixer too, know this: you don’t have to solve everyone’s problems to be valuable. Your presence, patience, and belief in them is often the most powerful support you can give.